March 08, 2007

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

So, I am a few days late in the Self Portrait Tuesday challenge. Better late than never. What's interesting to me, is that I took this photo last weekend while I was out of town on a business trip. Before you start thinking I'm some crazy person who goes around taking pictures of myself, I do have a valid reason for doing this. I just purchased a new camera and I was getting myself acquainted with it and there isn't much to photograph in a hotel room. Back to the matter at hand...

This challenge actually came at a time when I've been doing a lot reflecting. For the past few months I've been thinking a lot about my life. The good... the bad... trying to find what it is that will make me truly happy and fulfilled. When I saw this picture, my first thought was that I shouldn't use it because it's blurry and out of focus, making it hard to really see me. Then I had an "Aha" moment.

This photograph is very symbolic. Right now, I feel like there are many parts of my life that are blurry and out of focus, making it hard to see the real me. To me, this was a powerful realization. Unfortunately, there is no 'auto focus' switch on life like there is on my camera. Without a doubt, my weight is the primary issue that is causing me to be out-of-focus.

I have been overweight since my early teens. Back then, it was a minor problem. It is now a major problem. I am morbidly obese. There, I said it. I have done this to myself... all by myself. I don't like the person I see on the outside. I am desperate to change my life, but I am scared to death of failing. To be honest, I am even more scared to succeed. I am sure that sounds ridiculous to you, but I know how to be the cute, funny, personable fat girl - anything else, is unfamiliar territory for me. The journey I am embarking on will have life-changing effects, and it is frightening. But, I can't continue to live this existence. There are too many things I want to accomplish that will never be possible unless I conquer this problem.

This kind of change will take a long time and won't be easy, but I have to have faith that it will be so worth it. I can't wait for the day when my reflection truly shows who I am inside.


  1. I have been meaning to e mail you.. your good mail just made my week. It was my very first one!! I kept the card you sent with it so safe that I couldn't find it when the time came to send a thank you/link. When I saw that Kristi linked you I was SO THANKFUL!!! Good timing too.

    I love the concept of good mail and I love that you have stuff that makes it so easy. I just wanted you to know that I really, really appreciate it. I have a pretty good life, but we all have times that are harder than others. I was having a particularly hard week with my son's first family and was feeling very frustrated and decidedly UN Christlike. Getting your sweet package was like a huge wake up call. We all want to be appreciated and cherished. I have since been trying much harder to be tender even when I don't want to be. Thank you.....

    P.S. I grew up in Oak Ridge, TN but it has been years since I have been back. It sounds like SUCH a wonderful neighborhood....

  2. oh stephanie...i just want to give you a hug! i hope you make your goals happen, whatever they may be. i hope you will not be afraid of success. you can do it, but you already know that, don't you? :)

    i love your blurry pic. the tie to your life is amazing. i love that you took the challenge and posted the pic, even if it wasnt for the challenge to start with.

  3. Oh Stefanie, what an aha! moment!! A fuzzy picture is sometimes more realistic than a crisp one!! And just so you know, I have been down a weight loss journey of my own -- in fact I am still on that journey and I expect that I always will be. I blogged about it about a week and a half ago. Good luck and thanks for sharing!!

  4. I love the metaphor of the blurry photo, I can totally relate. It sounds like you're on the cusp of big changes and that's a scary, yet exciting place to be. You can be anything you want to be!!

  5. stefanie,
    you can seriously do anything you want to do, i have seen you 100's of times.
    i love that you thought deep about the blurry photo.
    i can't wait to see what wonderful things this year brings you.

    have you picked a word for the year? it is an awesome thing to do and give me just one thing to focus on and feel like i have one goal i am working on.
    you are wonderful!

  6. Stephanie-
    I came here from Kristi's blog and I'm so glad I did. I lurked through a few of your posts, and I am so enjoying getting to know you! As for this post, I loved your picture and thought to myself, that's what I should have done! We all have things that are not quite what we wish, and now you have decided to do something about it. That's the hardest part! We are all cheering you on! Keep going!

  7. stefanie, i am glad i found this post. i didn't know that you had posted following the mirror, mirror challenge. now...

    the photo, the post, are beautiful. i have walked in the steps of an overweight (yes, obese) person for my entire life. up and down on the scales, high and low in my self esteem. i know, i know i look/feel better when i'm not at the weight i am now. but i totally relate to your comments about comfortably playing the role of the happy fat girl (i'm paraphrasing here.) but i understand exactly where you are right now.

    i hope the visions become more clear. i agree with kristi, that maybe it is time to find one word, one thought, one small piece of the puzzle to focus on right now. the rest will come into focus in due time.



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