So, I am a few days late in the Self Portrait Tuesday challenge. Better late than never. What's interesting to me, is that I took this photo last weekend while I was out of town on a business trip. Before you start thinking I'm some crazy person who goes around taking pictures of myself, I do have a valid reason for doing this. I just purchased a new camera and I was getting myself acquainted with it and there isn't much to photograph in a hotel room. Back to the matter at hand...
This challenge actually came at a time when I've been doing a lot reflecting. For the past few months I've been thinking a lot about my life. The good... the bad... trying to find what it is that will make me truly happy and fulfilled. When I saw this picture, my first thought was that I shouldn't use it because it's blurry and out of focus, making it hard to really see me. Then I had an "Aha" moment.
This photograph is very symbolic. Right now, I feel like there are many parts of my life that are blurry and out of focus, making it hard to see the real me. To me, this was a powerful realization. Unfortunately, there is no 'auto focus' switch on life like there is on my camera. Without a doubt, my weight is the primary issue that is causing me to be out-of-focus.
I have been overweight since my early teens. Back then, it was a minor problem. It is now a major problem. I am morbidly obese. There, I said it. I have done this to myself... all by myself. I don't like the person I see on the outside. I am desperate to change my life, but I am scared to death of failing. To be honest, I am even more scared to succeed. I am sure that sounds ridiculous to you, but I know how to be the cute, funny, personable fat girl - anything else, is unfamiliar territory for me. The journey I am embarking on will have life-changing effects, and it is frightening. But, I can't continue to live this existence. There are too many things I want to accomplish that will never be possible unless I conquer this problem.
This kind of change will take a long time and won't be easy, but I have to have faith that it will be so worth it. I can't wait for the day when my reflection truly shows who I am inside.